Caveat Emptor

I saved myself $325 at the A&P this weekend.

No, it wasn’t from coupon-clipping. I ran into a fellow tenant in the cereal aisle. It turns out he was among the first batch of residents to close on their condos—and he had a warning for me. Somewhere buried amidst the lines of all the itemizations of closing costs at his settlement was a miscellaneous “administrative fee” from some outfit neither of us had ever heard of, but which curiously shared the same address as the sellers/owners. The minute his lawyer questioned it, he said, the fee was removed. After our conversation. I didn’t mind so much that the A&P ended up overcharging me for my case of Snapple (Note to A&P: the sale wasn’t over).

Sure, I’d read about the need to keep vigilant about such dubious charges. But it’s hard to look out for them when they can be slipped in at the last minute (nothing in his or my previous paperwork mentioned this outfit or this charge), and it’s even harder when there are so many itemizations. I feel my settlement papers are like a bill passing through Congress, with congressmen representing all kinds of “special interests” trying to insert themselves into my bill (and “bill” is right, considering I’m the one stuck paying for it all).

Simply transacting a piece of real estate can cost upwards of 10 percent of the property’s value/price (yep, it’s true). Clearly, there has to be a simpler, more streamlined—and god knows, cheaper way—one that involves a lot fewer “middlemen.” When I sell my car or any other possession I don’t have to take a 10-percent hit for transaction fees. Hell, even the AS SEEN ON TV crap they sell in 3am infomercials dropped their outrageous “Shipping and Handling” fees ages ago. They were smart enough to know that it was bad for business. But unfortunately for us property buyers and sellers, the real estate gods know that we can do without our Magic Bullets and Foreman Grills and Thighmasters, but we can’t do without a roof over our heads.

I don’t mind middlemen if they add or contribute some value to the transaction—my mortgage banker, for his efforts in obtaining the best possible financing, my attorney, for looking out for my interests, the realtor (though not in my case), for finding the right property. But honestly, in 2008, with the Internet and modern technology do we really need to spend thousands of dollars on title searches to make sure no one has a lien or claim to a piece of property? And hundreds of dollars for "courier" services—are my documents being delivered via Secret Service, or Fedex? Wouldn’t a couple carrier pigeons and a handful of birdseed be cheaper? They worked for the army in World War II.

And guess what? I’m not the only one allergic to closing costs. It turns out there have been several attempts (keyword: attempts) in Congress to mandate reforms. But such efforts have been hampered by high-powered real-estate industry lobbyists (cue your reaction shot of surprise here).

While Buffy and I will hold a candlelight vigil for future closing cost reforms, I will in the meantime prepare to swallow this big and bitter pill at my own closing. I’m sure my attorney won’t go for this, but since everyone else is piling on with their fees I’d like to insert my own "Administrative Fee"—as a credit back to me, for having to sort through everybody else’s.